I want to start with something I’m sure many others can relate to: “I am a person who did recover from addiction.” This is not just some slogan or phrase, it comes straight from the heart of someone who has been on this journey for a long time and succeeded in their goal to recover—yes, it’s me! Not only do I run the social media for Love Cassidy but also have my own recovery story that I want to share! The last 15 years have been an incredible journey and have ultimately brought me to where I am today, as both an individual recovering alcoholic and one helping others get in treatment and recover too.
My personal battle was one with an alcohol addiction, which does run in my family history so you could imagine how helpless I felt when eventually it got a hold of me! I remember from a young child my mom drinking a lot and sometimes she would act funny. I used to tell myself, I never want to be like her, because, as I grew into a teenager, I knew for a fact my mom was an alcoholic and struggled with her own addiction issues.
I was successful at keeping this disease at bay until I reached my 30's and I learned that this awful disease doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter how educated you are, how big a house you have, how successful you are, or what race you are, this disease will take over your life and it doesn’t care who is in your path or who you think you love.
Because of my mom’s history, I was never a big drinker in my 20’s and I could honestly take it or leave it, so it wasn’t until my late 20’s that my drinking picked up. I was married to a man whose family were heavy social drinkers, they celebrated with it, always had it with dinner and all social events. It wasn’t until my 30’s that I began drinking more and more. I would stay up late at night drinking wine or champagne and could literally finish a bottle by myself a night. The weird thing is that no one ever said or approached me about it. My marriage ended when I was 33, however, surprisingly it wasn't because of alcohol or my growing alcohol addiction.
There I was, in my new home alone. I was depressed, sad, and scared of what the future might bring as a single, young, divorced mom. I had a good-paying marketing career but I wasn’t prepared to own a home by myself, be a single mom, and deliver to the demands of my stressful corporate marketing job. This is when the disease really took hold of my life. It slowly crept in and I drank wine every night to relax but then I became a slave to it and had to have it every night in order to relax and sleep. I went from one toxic relationship to another and most of the men I dated were heavy drinkers and/or alcoholics. Looking back I was dating alcoholics as I probably attracted this type of person because I was sick myself and running from my own addiction issues. As the years passed, I started binge drinking more and more on the weekends and more during the week. The weekday binges led me to missing work but surprisingly I never lost my job or was confronted about my behavior so it continued and I just functioned and hid behind this disease in silence.
In March of 2015, I met my husband whom I am still married to today. He was not a big drinker so I knew this would be something that I would have to carefully navigate or hide in order for this marriage to work. We married quickly, three weeks of dating and we ran off to the JP and got married! Little did I know, you can’t hide alcoholism, it rears its ugly face to anyone and everyone at any time! I was able to hide my drinking for the most part an entire year before my world would come crumbling down.
In April of 2016, I went on a drinking binge, and at that point, I didn’t care about anything, not my husband, kids, dogs, or anyone else, much less myself. He left me and my ex-husband had my son and my ex didn’t think it was safe for me to be around my son due to my recent and public binge behavior. After a night of binge drinking, I had to make a choice because I was on the edge of losing everything I had ever loved. The next day I was at the end of the rope and at my rock bottom so I checked myself in HEB rehabilitation and detox program. I went thru a month of very intense rehab therapy. I attended AA meetings and worked the program steps and I even led meetings. Inside the rooms of the AA meetings, I did find strength, love and began to recover from the disease however I always felt I was different and not the typical alcoholic because the stories in the rooms about getting up and drinking first thing, having DWI’s, multiple relapses and the desperate need to drink things like rubbing alcohol to get a fix did not resonate with my “addiction” or my personal story. I knew I was different but couldn’t pinpoint it. I remained sober for almost two years with zero relapses or problems. At this point, I felt I had recovered and could drink like a “normal person” because I just wasn’t like the others I had met in AA.
I successfully managed this for several years but that’s when the new addiction began. I was given Klonopin from my doctor and that quickly became my new favorite high and really great when I mixed it with alcohol. My relationship with my husband and family became very rocky once again. In Jan of 2020, my marriage was on the brink of divorce and this is when I cried out for help because I was grasping for relief! I started seeing a therapist and she referred me to a new psychiatrist.
During my first appointment, I was properly diagnosed with ADHD, depression, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD from childhood trauma. I was put on a variety of medications to treat me. At first, I was so upset that these diagnoses were who I was and I didn't want to take the medications however I changed my mindset to these medications are the science that could heal me. My cocktail of medications along with EMDR therapy to treat childhood trauma have literally saved my life. I now have a strong marriage and trusting relationship with my children. To be honest, I can literally take it or leave it when it comes to alcohol. I have learned that I do have control of my life however I am not perfect and I’m only human and I must be kind to myself. I’m a human being who has come to grips that I do have mental health issues and these issues were unfortunately inherited and were then ultimately fueled by alcohol which then led to my battle with alcoholism. When I started to drink, the inherent alcoholism trait reared its ugly head and yes, it was ugly, I became a person I didn't know or like much less love. However, now that I have a sound and peaceful mind, I now have control over the alcohol addiction and control over my life and the choices I make. This is my story and I'm a better and stronger person because of it. I’m neither embarrassed nor shameful by my story and hope that sharing will help and inspire others to do the same. Remember, shame and pride are the enemies. Don’t let either write your story, and please always remember you are the author of your best-selling life story!
Addiction and alcohol are real and recovery is real too.
